We Ordered Absinthe From The Internet And Awesomeness Ensued

Well, we ordered absinthe. Real absinthe (99% sure it’s real absinthe).

Jim here. Before we get started, here are some “facts” (and possibly “alternative facts”) I’ve learned about absinthe during my extensive** internet research:

  • We may or may not see green fairies.
  • Something called Thujone may or may not provide mind-bending effects on the epic journey we are preparing to undertake.
    • US legal limit of Thujone: 10mg/L
    • European legal limit of Thujone: 15mg/L
    • Czech Republic no-fucks-given legal limit of Thujone: 100mg/L

So, of course, we ordered the Czech kind. Na zdraví!

Anyway, here we go.

**Actually is was only about 25 minutes, not counting the time it took to order the bottle from the company.  So I’m pretty much an expert on this stuff.

Hats off to King of Spirits  – you make a great beverage, you awesome company.

Brand:  King of Spirits Gold.  There was a non-Gold version, but let’s get real – we all know any Gold version is better, no?

Thujone Level:  100mg/L.  Oh, those crazy Czechs!! They sure do know how to party.

Bottle Description:  Absinthe made from a recipe “more than 200 years old”.  I’m already thirsty.  This is “For Experts Only”. Question: how long before I’m an expert, given that this is our first time trying this?  “Pure natural product”. “This is totally safe for sure,” my mind tells me, ignoring that this is purported only be for experts.  “DISTILLED and BOTTLED  in the CZECH REPUBLIC”.  The bottle label used all caps as if to subconsciously tell me, “you are an idiot.” But this is for science! We must press on.

JIM: Brett, I may die.  I hereby Will you the rest of this bottle if I do.
BRETT:  Score!

The bottle of absinthe arrives a short 4 months after I ordered it. Anything good is worth the wait, right? It arrives under the cover of night, cloak and dagger style. I get it with the morning paper and wonder if I should just have have it instead of coffee today. I decide to wait. Sorry, absinthe.

The box says “Contents: Books” and is covered with lots of stamps from countries I’ve never been too. This absinthe is better traveled than I am, which is probably how you know it’s legit. Apparently, the 4 month journey went like this, based on the stamps and dates on the box:

Journey of the Absinthe
Why use a blue line over a blue ocean? Because, um… awesome.

This MUST be the real deal. Let’s go!

BRETT:  So how do we do this? I think there’s a special way to drink this stuff.
JIM: Siri, how do you drink absinthe?
SIRI:  Sorry Jim, I don’t drink.
BRETT: Oh, come on! She knew what you were asking. Total jerk move.
JIM: Siri, don’t be a jerk. How does a person drink absinthe??
SIRI: I found this on the web: http://m.wikihow.com/Drink-Absinthe
JIM: Perfect. Wikihow knows all…
BRETT:  Check this, fire may be involved.
JIM:  As if this evening couldn’t get any better!
BRETT: Buuuut it looks complex.
JIM: Yeah, I think we should do shots or something. Maybe 6 each in the next 2 hours?? Just throwing darts here. I’m open to suggestions on that number.
BRETT:  Siri, How many shots of absinthe should we drink?
SIRI: I found this on the web: http://m.wikihow.com/Drink-Absinthe
JIM:  Foiled again by Siri, it’s the Wikihow article.
BRETT: 6 it is.  Drink.

Shot 1.

drunk absinthe faries

BRETT: I don’t feel anything.
JIM: The flavor is… interesting. I’ve only ever had it in things before. Much more intense on its own.
BRETT: Yeah, 6 of these will be… I don’t know if I want that.
JIM: Well, we’re locked in now.

Shot 2.

Absinthe 1

BRETT: You seeing anything yet?
JIM: No.
BRETT: It’s definitely more of a mild hallucinogen. Feeling anything?
JIM: Like I’m going to be hungover tomorrow.
BRETT: I think I’ll be hungover at drink 4.

Shot 3.

Absinthe Again

JIM: I can’t do six of these. I can’t.
BRETT: WE MUST!!
JIM: I feel drunk but… weird drunk.
BRETT: You look weird drunk.
JIM: Shut it.

Shot 4.

More Absinthe

JIM: You ever think about space? Like, REALLY think about it? It’s huge man!
BRETT: Riiight….
JIM: Be seriously, space is infinite! And what if we’re actually alone in it? That’s crazy!
BRETT: What if we’re not…
JIM: I think that’s mathematically impossible or something.  I saw a show on it.

Shot 5.

All of the Absinthe.jpg

JIM: Maybe the green fairy was inside us all along – like thoughts and things.
BRETT: Still no hallucinations?
JIM: No, but I can’t stop drooling. I may need to stop here.
BRETT: BUT WHAT IF SIX IS THE KEY??
JIM: To me ralphing? It is.
BRETT: Pull it together, man!
JIM: You can go on without me…
BRETT: I SAID PULL IT TOGETHER.
Jim: Fine. I hate you.

Shot 6.

It's the Final Absinthe

JIM: My mouth feels weird.
BRETT: My brain feels weird.
JIM: Wait, what’s that?
BRETT: What?
JIM: You don’t see it??
BRETT: Don’t tell me you’re seeing the green fairy.
JIM: Shhhhh you’ll scare it…
BRETT: You’re full of shit.
JIM: I’m full of… absinthe.

In Conclusion: 

BRETT: No waking hallucinations, but I had the coolest dreams that night. I want to write a screenplay about the dream I had that night. For real, it was crazy. I was in a jungle and there was like, a wise alligator and a beautiful-
JIM: No one wants to hear your dream, Brett.
BRETT: Also, I got lost on the way home.
JIM: What?? You live 12 houses from me.
BRETT: It is what it is. Everything looked the same and so… yeah, I got lost. You want me to lie?

Rating: 10/10, highly recommend.

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